The 21st birthday is a milestone that marks the beginning of a person’s journey towards adulthood. It is exciting and terrifying and exhilarating. I have learnt a lot in the two decades that I have been alive, and I look forward to learning even more in the years to come. In honour of me turning 21 in 2021, here is a list of 21 lessons that life has taught me so far. Please note that these are based off my personal experience of life and do not have to apply to your own. Life does not come in one-size-fits-all. I highly encourage you to take what resonates and leave what does not. There is no wrong way to live life. You simply live.
1. Your life belongs to you.
This first lesson is arguably the most important one of them all; it serves as a foundation for the rest of them. To take ownership of your life means to take on the responsibility of guiding yourself towards what makes you happy and brings you peace and contentment.
At the end of the day, no matter how much people have to say, and no matter how many “dos and don’ts” they can list out in neat bullet points, they cannot and will not experience your life for you. You are going to be the one doing it for yourself—whether it means enjoying the fruits of your labour or facing the consequences of your actions.
Consult your own thoughts, your own opinions, and your own feelings first. Prioritise your own desires and expectations from life. It is fine to ask for someone else’s perspective—often, it can even be eye-opening—but ensure that your decisions are fuelled solely by the ideas that matter to you. In your story, you are the protagonist. Own your power.
2. Be your own pillar.
Emotional independence does not come easily to everyone, but it is extremely important if you want to build your resilience. Becoming emotionally independent gives you the strength and calmness to be prepared for anything. You will know that no matter what curveball life may throw your way, you can handle it.
It is lovely to have a network of supportive people around you but becoming emotionally dependent on them is likely to spell trouble. Avoid depending on other people for your own happiness. Be your own pillar and your own anchor. The way I see it, you are by far your most powerful resource.
3. Being yourself is a worthy investment.
I have seen a lot of people struggle with their identity, especially in situations where they feel like it would just be easier to try and fit in. Whether it’s the first date with someone you are interested in or the first day of school, people often tend to believe that moulding themselves into something else will make their experience better. Sometimes it does, but everything has a price. Once they “fit in”, their struggle becomes more and more internal, and they begin feeling restricted and lost, because who they are does not align with who they are trying to be. This clash almost always leads to frustration and anxiety, and therefore, immense unhappiness.
While it may seem scary and uncomfortable in the beginning, being yourself is easier in the long run. It is an investment that pays off. There is liberation in being yourself; not only will you not need to constantly check if your façade is in place, but also you will start attracting the right people towards you—people who appreciate you for who you are.
4. It is perfectly fine if not everyone likes you.
I grew up with a very comfortable social life, and I never really had any trouble being in people’s good graces—until one day in secondary school when my friend very kindly informed me that two people from another class were not my biggest fans. The ground fell out from underneath my feet; I was gutted, shocked, and distressed. Just kidding. I was pretty upset, though. It was my first time dealing with something like that, and I had no idea why they would dislike me. I barely spoke to them. I later found out what their problem was, and suffice to say, it was underwhelming. Apparently, the way I said hello to them at break time was too imposing. The horror! I am surprised they refrained from suing me for emotional distress.
After that, something similar happened at university as well—just slightly worse. Somehow, people that I did not even know existed had things to say about me. I never understood what their issue was. Maybe they were just bored, and I was a shiny new object to criticise. Maybe my breathing was terribly inconvenient. It is anyone’s guess.
The point is, despite my few oddities, I was a conventionally normal person who never knowingly did anything bad to anyone, and people still had a problem with me. You cannot make everyone like you. Someone is always going to have an issue. You may as well just do whatever you want to do and live your life without paying mind to these sorts of things. It can be uncomfortable at times—nobody likes being disliked—but that is okay. Deal with how you feel, then move on.
I came across somebody on TikTok once who had some truly brilliant advice, which I will now attempt to paraphrase. Stop worrying about whether someone likes you or not and ask yourself if you even like them. Remember, this is your life. They are auditioning for your show. And as Simon Cowell once said, ‘It’s a “no” from me.’ So true, Simon. Court is adjourned.
5. Learn to say no.
This can be incredibly difficult in the beginning, especially if you have a habit of giving in and saying yes even when you really, really, really want to say no. The first few times might be uncomfortable, but you will get better at it. Growing up, I could say no fairly easily, but sometimes, even I would give in to pressure and say yes, and then feel terrible about it later. I had to learn to be firmer about it and not feel guilty, and while that journey was not the easiest, it was most certainly worth it.
A few years ago, I made a major life decision which was difficult to make but necessary for my mental health. Every single person around me was intent on telling me that I was wrong and that I needed to do what they thought was better for me. I am in a much better place today only because I prioritised my own idea of what was good for me. You know yourself best. If you feel strongly about something, stand your ground even when other people make it difficult, because it is your life to live. Learn to say no. It will save you valuable time and energy that you can spend on what makes you happy.
6. Learn to say yes.
I apologise for the whiplash, but this part is meant for those who have learnt to say no a little too well. This is something that I still struggle with, but I have made remarkable improvement in the last few years.
I mastered the art of saying no to the point where I forgot how to say yes. Whether it was fear of the unknown, my anxiety disorders, or just apprehension in general, I became extremely reluctant to say yes to things. I lost the ability to distinguish the things that I might enjoy from the things that I would not. I had to unlearn some of the things that my defence mechanisms drilled into me and just start saying yes to things despite the urge to run away from them. Once again, this is likely to be uncomfortable in the beginning, but eventually, the discomfort will fade, and it will all be worth it.
Life is a blank canvas, and your experiences are the colours. It is up to you how colourful and vibrant you want to make your painting. If you feel like you want to say yes to something, just do it. Fill the canvas up with all the shades you can find. And if you prefer a simpler painting with just a few colours? Well, that is okay too. As long as it makes you happy, it is going to be the most beautiful painting in the world. Go forth and create art.
7. Live, and let live.
Everyone should be free to express themselves and experience life in a way that feels right to them, as long as their actions are not causing harm to others. As I have stated before, your life belongs to you, and this means that you reserve the right to do with it what you like. Nobody else has the right to dictate what you should do with it. Similarly, you do not have the right to dictate what someone else should do with their life. If you want to live, let live.
In a world where opinions and beliefs are getting more and more polarised, it is becoming increasingly difficult for people to accept their differences. It happens to everyone. I think as long as you make a conscious effort to understand others and have more compassion, you are on the right track. It will be difficult sometimes, maybe even impossible, and that is understandable. We are human. Just keep trying.
8. Give respect to get respect.
Respect is a two-way street; you must give it to get it. It does not matter what the relationship is between the people involved—whether it is a student and their teacher, a child and their parent, or an employee and their employer; it is unreasonable to expect respect without reciprocating it. Practicing common courtesy helps build stronger and healthier relationships.
Offering sincere respect to the other person—and being kind and polite in general—is often the best way to resolve, or even prevent, unnecessary arguments and miscommunication. People are more likely to listen to what you have to say and respect you in return if you offer it first yourself. As the proverb says, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Try to be nice when you can.
However, if you notice that the other person is taking advantage of your kindness, or if it seems that civility will not help resolve the conflict, be firm and politely end the conversation before parting ways. You are not obligated to be nice to every single person you meet, especially if they cannot reciprocate your respect.
9. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Hypocrisy is not a good look on anyone. While we can all be hypocritical at times, it is important to acknowledge that it damages the credibility of your words and should be avoided as well as possible. Try to be truthful, and always keep your promises. If you notice that you have problems with delivering what you promise, or if you have trouble walking the walk after talking the talk, start being more careful with your words. It is better to say less and do more than it is to say more and do less. Be sincere and ensure that you practice what you preach as best as you can.
10. Toxic positivity is very real and very unhealthy.
Toxic positivity is an obsession with positive thinking. Social media has made it worse with the “good vibes only” approach that it constantly promotes. It is the belief that no matter how tough life is being on you, you need to keep a positive mindset. This is not only unrealistic, but also inhuman. It is simply not healthy to always force yourself to put a positive spin on every bad situation. This sort of behaviour discourages healthy ways of coping with negative emotions and encourages the misguided belief that there is something wrong with you if you are not able to maintain a positive mindset all the time. There is nothing wrong with experiencing negative emotions. They are natural, and as much a part of life as the positive emotions. Learn to accept them.
11. It is okay to not be okay.
Negative emotions are important, and they deserve to be treated with respect. A balance between the negative and the positive is essential to your mental and physical health. While negative emotions are not as pleasant as their positive counterparts, they play a significant role in keeping your mind and body functional and healthy.
The most important thing is to accept and process them. Refrain from bottling them up or brushing them off. Accept your negative emotions, accept that you feel the way you feel, and accept that it is okay to not be okay. Then work through those emotions. There is no need to act as if negative emotions are the enemy. Use them as tools instead. Learn what you can from the experience, and when you are ready, let go of them. Their purpose has been fulfilled.
12. Self-care is important.
While there is nothing quite like treating yourself to a facial and some Netflix in the middle of a stressful week, true self-care goes beyond this. True self-care is making efforts to better your life in ways that show deeper results. It could mean dedicating a part of your day to meditate or spend time with your pet. If you deal with a condition such as clinical depression, this could mean something as simple as getting up and taking a shower on a day when you really would rather just stay in bed.
If you work constantly, it could mean scheduling a daily jog or walk into your routine because you know that you do not get enough physical activity during the day. If you put off things that scare you, it could mean facing your fears and finally doing what needs to be done. Caring for the self might not always be enjoyable, but it will be progress towards a better life.
13. Appreciate your body.
Typically, the average human body contains over thirty trillion cells. Those are thirty trillion little friends who are constantly working and fighting to keep you alive and healthy. No matter how you feel about your body, please treat it with love and respect. Your body deserves affection. Appreciate it and take good care of it.
14. Enrich your life with hobbies that exercise the mind, the heart, and the body.
I have had a bizarre number of hobbies ever since I was a child, and I love every single one of them. I deeply value the knowledge that they bring me and the joy that they add to my life. I believe everyone should have at least three hobbies: a logical hobby for the mind, a creative hobby for the heart, and a physical hobby for the body.
You can choose whatever hobbies you like as long as you fulfil these three categories. For example, you can have a mix of chess, musical composition, and golf, or a mix of philosophy, painting, and swimming, or a mix of coding, baking, and jogging. Feel free to mix and match such hobbies as you see fit. If you are spiritual, then a liberating hobby for the soul, such as meditation, is also a good addition. I think this sort of system adds variety to life and helps you grow more holistically.
15. People come and go, and that is okay.
Not everyone is meant to be a part of your story forever, and that is okay. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Learn from those who come for a reason. Appreciate those who come for a season. Cherish those who stay for a lifetime. Nurture your relationships but learn to let go of people when it needs to happen. People will always come and go. It is inevitable. But human connection is a beautiful thing. Celebrate it.
16. Dating and relationships are not for everyone.
You do not have to date people or be in a relationship if that is not what you want. People have a tendency to be inconsiderate when it comes to these things, and many will try to make you feel like there is something wrong with you if you are not participating in these things. Being told the same thing one too many times can influence even the most strong-willed individuals, and I am here to tell you that the only thing that matters is what you want.
If you do not wish to be in a relationship, that is where the discussion ends. It is completely okay, and you are just as valid as anybody else. If someone constantly makes you feel bad for not wanting the same thing as them, it is time to find new people to spend your time with. Hold your head up high and strut through life like you own it. Because you do.
17. It is okay to not have it all figured out.
If there is one thing that I have been forced to accept about life, it is the fact that it can change in the blink of an eye, and it will not stop to ask for permission. It might just take your carefully crafted plans, shred them to pieces, and then dump the remains into the dustbin like old, faded ticket stubs. This may sound like a nightmare to those who dutifully plan every second of every day, but sometimes, not having a plan can actually be easier. If you are lost and tired of searching, wait for life to show you the way.
18. Sometimes the “wrong” thing can lead to the “right” thing.
As someone who had always been very “all or nothing” and “my way or the highway” when it came to how my life progressed, accepting the fact that sometimes things just did not go according to my plans was devastating and discouraging. However, in the past few years, life has done a lot to show me that the things I originally deemed wrong for me could actually end up being quite right. My trust is not easy to gain, and I am not one to romanticise life, yet here I am, trusting life to guide me the right way.
Keeping an open mind is important. After all, there are millions of possibilities that we do not even consider. How could we possibly know what is best for us every single time? I still do resist once in a while, but I no longer cling to my idea of a perfect life as tightly as I used to, and I no longer fear the unknown.
19. Adaptability is key to conquering most problems in life.
Your ability to adapt to change and go with the flow is incredibly important no matter where you go in life. Whether you are filling out university or job applications, dealing with unpredictable conflicts, or backpacking your way through Europe, the quality of adaptability is perhaps the most important one that you can have.
Life has a way of doing whatever it wants, and once you learn how to keep up with it, getting caught off-guard will no longer be an issue because you will have become adept at handling curveballs. Learn to not only accept change, but also embrace it. Thrive in it. Nothing can shake your foundation once you do.
20. You will keep growing as a person.
There is no expiration date on your personal growth. You will keep growing and changing throughout your life. There will always be more to learn and more to experience. Keep trying new things. Most importantly, understand that failure is not the end of the world. Humans are built to get back up each time they fall. So, keep going, keep growing, and keep learning. Life has a lot to offer. Soak in as much as you possibly can. Make the most of it.
21. Everything is fine.
Take a deep breath. You can handle anything that life throws at you, and happier days are always on the horizon. You will be okay. Everything is fine. Let go and set yourself free.
All the best.
